I love the whole world [except for people who talk during the movie]

Discovery's "The World Is Just Awesome" commercial has been filling me with toe-curling delight since I saw it this summer.
If you don't love this bit of video, then you're dead inside. I'm serious.
The Canadian Discovery Channel version is slightly different; where on the US version, the surfer sings, "I love the oceans", it's the guy from the Daily Planet singing "I love the planet!" and doing a not too bad job of it too.

Evidently your bum celebrates Christmas, too

Above: Safeway's "festive ring cake" ["ring". Hee.]: this SO belongs on cakewrecks.com. I mean, did the people at Safeway look at this culinary-slash-medical anomaly and decide that the jaunty sprig of holly would make it look any less like a prolapsed anus? And what is the drizzle on there? Dear GOD.

In lieu of written entry, lamest girl in blogland posts gratuitous beefcake pic

At left: Quantum of Solace could have used some more of this. [Since when do I need a reason to post a picture of Daniel Craig shirtless? You knew this would become a recurring feature sooner or later. Oh, and he still really digs fat chicks. Loves them loves them loves them.]

Snow day snow day snow day!

At left: I know, I can't fucking believe it's snowing either.

Coalition to Harper: No, YOU shut up

First off, even though I vote in every [major] election, I've never been really interested in politics, have always been content to let Canada tootle along, thankful for and secure in the knowledge that we weren't the United States and that a) abortion is legal, b)hooray for gay rights! and Canadians are friendly, polite and fucking HATE guns.
The things you take for granted.
My country is very close to hurtling headlong into a new dark age, and I can't help but think of the day[s] after 9/11, after that one weirdly quiet point when there was not a plane in the air, anywhere. Living then in the incoming flight path of a major airport, and so used to jetliners RIGHT OVERHEAD, loud and low. It was such a sweet relief when the planes were flying again to stand outside and just watch what could have been a very bright star grow larger, move closer and finally pass over me, over and over again. And again.
Last week, Conservative PM Stephen Harper [a fucking joke; his party represents 37.6% of the vote] tried to pass a motion that would have ENDED public funding for political parties, which would have effectively killed any party NOT the Conservative party, since the Conservatives have a more, ahem, "sophisticated" fundraising machine than the rest. I should add that every "strategic" or "defensive" vote I have ever cast has been aimed at keeping the Conservative candidate out of office, I hate them so. I'll say it: Conservatives are bad for Canada. Faced with a vote of non-confidence waiting for him on Monday, Harper sought [and got] Governor-General Michaelle Jean's permission to prorogue Parliament, a word I had never heard before, and which means "Canadian democracy getting buttfucked on national television" [uh, CPAC *is* national, right?].
What kind of tinpot dictatorship can shut down parliamentary debate, SHUT IT DOWN FOR WEEKS, when the leader decides not to face the consequences for their actions? What kind of asshole thinks the other parties were actually going to say, 'Golly, you're right, take away our funding'?
I managed to keep it together until I got home last night, and broke down the minute I got inside the door. Washing off my makeup and crying, all I could think was I do NOT accept this, this is not over, I do not accept this, this is not over. And rinse and repeat. I haven't needed to light up a spliff that badly since, um....ever?
I am scared, I am sad and I am angry, but most of all I know that THIS IS NOT OVER. Not by a long shot.

Tinseltown can suck it

The Vancouver Film Festival has been over since mid-October, and I'm STILL geeking out about the best! film! ever! Let The Right One In. Went Thursday to Tinseltown [the only freaking place in town it's playing] to see it again, only to find it had been bumped from the theatre two days earlier to make room for Baz Lurhmann's Australia. Shut up, Australia. However, partly because I was there already, but mostly because I am Tinseltown's bitch, I forked over the bucks for Transporter 3 instead. Which had everything I'd been hoping for in Quantum of Solace: lotsa shirtless Jason Statham fighting [because he knows what side his bread is buttered on] and just generally hotting things up with all the scowling. Phwoar. Also a very sexy scene in which the transportee, a ginger party girl, blackmails Statham into doing a striptease. Where the fuck are the Bond girls with that kind of attitude?
Apparently Daniel Craig plans to NOT get hugely buff and show it off in upcoming Bond films. Y'know, if someone dangled the millions of dollars Craig is making as Bond in front of ME and said, look, all you have to do is lose the weight, get up a four a.m. to get in a frillion ab crunches and lift weights until you look like a no-neck football player, I would say HELL YES. Fortunately for y'all, I'm collaborating with Paul Haggis on the next 007 film and not to give too much away, but Bond has to go undercover as a cage dancer. A bare-chested, sweaty cage dancer. In faded ripped jeans, and maybe covered in sexy wounds too, and if I hear any lip about being a serious artist, those jeans will become ASSLESS leather chaps faster than you can bat those glacial blue peepers, DO YOU HEAR ME?

double-Oh HELL yeah

At left: my toes may never uncurl. Sigh/squee.

Okay, I just want to say, up front, that I'm a big fan of the new Bond, deeply smitten with the man who plays him, love the new direction the character took in Casino Royale, love Paul Haggis long time and spent the last 2 years crossing off the days until the new film, but Quantum of Solace? Mostly left me wishing for more shirtless Craig [frickin' hello! he's shirtless in at least four separate scenes in Casino Royale that I can think of], and sure, there's plenty of fast-edit holyshithowdidtheydothat action, but to be honest, the movie left me wanting more. Way more. I'm not going to give anything away, but I would have liked the movie to go more into 007's betrayal and desire for revenge, and what that does to the soul, but instead got freaking continous fast-edit Bourne-style chase scenes that really started to look alike after awhile. That said, I still plan to see it multiple times and buy the DVD, because I am weak, dammit, weak, but dammit, it just doesn't grab me the way Casino Royale did. I expected better from Paul fucking Haggis et al, for God's sake. It's not crap, it just could have been better.

I'm off to console myself with some bare-assed nekkid Craig in Flashbacks of a Fool. Again. My GOD, that boy is hot.

something to sing about

It's been a week since Obama's acceptance speech from Grant Park in Chicago, and I have to say it: congrats on not fucking up, America. The last time Americans had a leader who really was the best person for the job was last fucking millennium. Okay, I cried. It still surprises me how moved I was by the speech, and the moment. Wasn't it great? It felt like New Year's Eve, like you should be calling all your friends or leaning out of windows banging on pots and pans. The next day shone bright and sunny here, birds tweeting and strangers smiling at each other. All. Damn. Day. Long. Everybody's happy - can't you feel it?
It's amazing how very different the Democrat and Republican mindsets seem to be. Democrats seem all about Christmas, with programs! and diversity! and pizza for everybody!, while the Republicans are all about Halloween, with scary socialized medicine! and scary gun control! and scary gay rights! But regardless of all that, ditto on what Obama said about ending divisivness:
"I promise you, we as a people will get there. So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other."
As the Buffy cast sings in the incomparable musical episode, "What can't we face if we're together?"

re: election: dear America, please don't fuck this up again. Seriously, we're getting sick of your shit.

smackdown: Amy Winehouse vs. Kung Fu Panda

Halloween eve and still trying to decide between going out as a fatty Amy Winehouse [black out a tooth, paint eyes shut and "style" hair in wind tunnel] or taking the dark eye makeup to its logical conclusion and going as Kung Fu Panda.

Hmm. If I go as Amy Winehouse, I can smoke crack all night and people will just assume it's the costume.

OK, Kung Fu Panda it is, then.

buy buy buy!

Best Buy has Buffy and Angel DVD sets on for twenty bucks, with a free DVD of a 2008 cast reunion with purchase. Crafty folk will buy the sets one at a time, thereby accumulating quite a hoard of bonus DVDs. I splashed out on the bottomless pit of despair that is season 6 Buffy, because:

-Musical episode!

-Anya episode ["Selfless"]

-I've never seen the S6 finale. Ever!

-the steaming hot bowl of oral sex that is Spike

banned candy

Happy Bats is using their powers for good, again; this time they're running a cool Buffy contest/giveaway until the end of the month. Friends of the batfolk have diabetes, and since there won't be any Buffy musical this year [and the last few Buffy singalongs have been for charity], the two great tastes that taste great together [charity, and Buffy] have come together to kick diabetes in the slats.

Even if they hadn't dangled a chance to win Buff stuff in front of me, I would still be first in line to donate; I found out this spring I have type II diabetes. Going sugar-free isn't too bad, except for when I really, really want a Caesar, which it turns out are just loaded with sugar. Thank god for sugar-free sweets: I've found a reliable source of sugar-free 70% chocolate and maple walnut ice cream at, respectively, Denny's Farm Market and 6th Ave Deli, both in New Westminster.

Anyway. Life with diabetes isn't all sugar-free sweets. There's also the fun of making sure your feet don't turn black. I'm just glad I can take a once-daily pill at this point to control it, and don't have to monitor my bloodsugar beyond occasional bloodwork, and best of all, no needles.

So go give. You have until October 31st, and even a few bucks gets you a chance at a cool prize, good karma, and, again, the chance to kick diabetes in the slats.

Go here for news of Buffy screenings and the link to donate to the Canadian Diabetes Association, and hints of the bound-to-be cool prize from Happy Bats:

http://flickerbat.typepad.com/being_there/buffy-musical-tickets.html

JCVD @ Vancouver International Film Festival, 9/27

Screw the red carpet glam, what you want to be caught wearing at a premiere is a styling, slimming Happy Bats tee-shirt. Not only will it get you better seats at the movies, you'll also get better tables in restaurants and members of the opposite sex will be especially keen to get a get a leg up over you.

Saturday night, arrived at the theatre for JCVD with half an hour to spare with the idea of just swanning in for my pick of seats, but no. The lineup, for ticketholders, stretched down Granville, around Smithe and just kept on going. Even though I was about halfway down the line, by the time I got into the theatre the place was looking pretty damn full, and one of the guys from Happy Bats [who were presenting the film], seeing my Bats shirt, invited me to sit in their reserved row. Woo! [Yes, I am a great big nerdy fangirl.] There was an attendant and a rope and everything! Okay, a volunteer and a string, but still.

The movie was awesome. Basically it's Jean-Claude Van Damme as Jean-Claude Van Damme, and it turns out it kind of sucks to be Jean-Claude: he's an aging action star turning out boilerplate movies [when he's not losing parts to Steven Seagal], he's on the losing end of a child custody battle and he's into his lawyer for a buttload of money he doesn't have. He arrives in Belgium and after a quick snap with the video store clerks across from a post office/bank ["Hey, Jean-Claude, you're our star! You fought to get out of this shithole!"], walks right into a hostage situation at the post office. It's not long before his captors are begging their star to show off moves like kicking a cigarette out of a guy's mouth while the outside world, including the police [whose Command Central is the video store across the street], and hordes of cheering, banner-waving fans think the Muscles From Brussels has embarked on a life of crime.

Just go see it. The guy can act, in his native French, no less, and it's a smart movie parody with humour and action and tension.

because culture is good for you, asshole

It seems the Happy Bats graphic shows up weirdly in some browsers, so here they are in all their four-colour glory, nicked directly from their website and brought farm fresh to you, gentle reader. Happy Bats is also sponsoring a showing of JCVD during this year's Vancouver International Film Festival. Which I don't have tickets for yet, but I do have the catalogue. So tonight I'll sit down with the guide, plenty of Post-Its, or maybe just decide the movies I'll see with a dart board. Yes, it's holiday time chez Juno, and I can't afford to leave the city. But being stuck in Vancouver in the autumn with nothing more to do than go to movies with friends and hit the Night Market....well, there are worse fates. Even though I love Vancouver long time, I still want to crush with my bare hands every car I see with the Olympic 2010 "Best place on earth" vanity plate. Those dicks are totally asking for it.

If imitation is flattery, then I still want to put a boot up this chick's ass

Yes, I am shallow enough to Google my own blog.
But I'm not shallow enough to try to pass off others' original work as my own, while the braintrust at http://msraven.blogspot apparently *is* just that shallow. And stupid. I mean, who says "check out my other sites in development" and lists 21 different blogs, including mine? I don't mind if y'all link to the site, but actually impersonating me? Seriously people, please don't steal my fucking work.

Daniel Craig loves fat chicks

Actually, I have no idea if he does or not, but it's a nice fantasy that James fucking Bond likes "something to grab onto". Plus, I've wanted to see this turn up in a Google search since Layer Cake.

Mmm, cake.

I wouldn't want to mess with either of 'em

God, I love a sale almost as much as I love glarkware.com [anyone who makes an infant's tee-shirt reading "Dingo snack" is alright by me, and even makes me wish I had kids]. I *don't* love when the sale happens *after* blowing a sizable wad [ew, there must be a better way to say that] of cash on the same merchandise only the week before. Still, a $6 tee more than makes up for the ones I spent $20 on. I shall be the stylingest fatty around. The only one I won't be able to sport at work [or in front of my gran] is the bad girl from the Double F Ranch, flipping the bird with both hands. We've all had days like that, but still there's no point in being written out of the will on *both* sides of the family. Again.

June 23rd: Happy birthday, Mr. Whedon

The one Buffy scene that chokes me up whenever I think about it is in the final minutes of the very last episode, "Chosen", where the potential Slayers all over the world feel the effects of Willow's spell and feel, well, *Slayerness* just wash over them. This little girl playing baseball, can't be more than 8 or 9, is standing at bat, and you can see from the look on her face that she's wavering a bit. Willow's Slayer power-share spell kicks in, and the little girl lowers her gaze and you know from the look on her face that *she knows* she's going to knock it out of the fucking park.

When asked,"Why do you write these strong women characters?" Joss said,

"Because equality is not a concept. It’s not something we should be striving for. It’s a necessity. Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who is confronted with it.

We need equality. Kinda now."

That's why I love Joss Whedon. That, and the fights on Buffy were so exciting. Oh yeah, and Giles.

YouTard

Turns out YouTube's search engine is about as smart as a bag of hair. Look for flicking the lights off, NOT I'm flicking the lights off. Sheesh.

Return of the Buffy Musical, sort of

...a lot of stuff has happened since January: Chinese New Year parade and dinner, new job at ACC [Anonymous Call Centre] and oh yeah, summer. But it took Buffy on the big screen to get me off my lazy, fat, wobbly sofa and actually post something.

The skies actually cleared for this past weekend. Which wouldn't be unusual for June, except the last 2 weeks have been the coldest on record with unrelenting, *pissing down* rain. And it's freaking JUNE. Anyway, Sunday saw the Car Free Vancouver Day -- lots of merry people milling around, skateboard ramps, vendors, sidewalk cafe tables moved to the middle of Main street and goth cheerleaders with flaming batons. Whee!

My favourite video store on Main & 15th, Happy Bats, had a block party, with their short film festival SunScreen [rigged together with a computer that played DVDs, a projector and miles of cable] and an impromptu showing of Once More With Feeling, the Buffy musical episode. Happy Bats has hosted the Buffy musical a couple of times before where they've rented a theatre and sold tickets. Sadly, it looks as though Sunday's showing will be the closest we'll be able to get until...okay, I don't know *why* Fox isn't letting these screenings happen. Not this year. Picked up [another] Bats t-shirt and a used copy of The Golden Compass, adding to the growing Daniel Craig collection chez Juno. Anyhow, SunScreen '08 highlights included a "Sweded" version of The Fugitive, "fugitive in 6 mins. by Ronan and Dan", Sylvia Coates ‘Coffee Break’ [discarded muffin + hungry pigeon + marauding crow = more entertaining than you'd think], and Jaclyn Smith's ‘I’m Flicking the Lights Off’, Jaclyn’s own version of the Sarah Silverman ‘I’m F*cking Matt Damon’ video. Hee. Check out ‘I’m Flicking the Lights Off’ on YouTube!

the last thing the world needs

...is another goddam blog. So this waste of bandwidth? I just want to bring you some stories from my corner of the world*, the kind of stuff you elbow your friend and say, "Hey, look at that." Not promising every entry will be a gem. We'll see how it goes.


Juno


*Vancouver. If there's a heaven, I bet it's a LOT like Vancouver.
Oh, and screw 2010.